Failing Forward: My Father’s Journey Through Regret, Lies, and Redemption

Running Doesn’t Fix It

Who would’ve thought that avoiding problems wasn’t the answer? I sure didn’t. I felt like I was failing as a father — and instead of facing that, I just kept digging a deeper hole. One I didn’t know how to escape. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck in a cycle I hated.

“I do not understand my own actions, for I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate.”

Romans 7:15 ESV

The Beginning of the Breakdown

It started in 2019 when I was experiencing some challenges while in the Marine Corps, which made it difficult to move. Ursula, my kid’s mom, was also in the military and had orders to move to San Diego. We made the decision to move, and I will catch up later. Important detail: I was the one who brought up the divorce months earlier. It felt like Michael Scott when he declared bankruptcy and thought all the money problems would go away. 

I fell into the lie that I would be happy if I had my daughter, whom I will refer to as Trini. I wanted nothing to do with anyone else; I only wanted to be with Trini. When Ursula moved, I would call frequently. However, all I wanted was to speak to my daughter. I didn’t care about anything or anyone else. And instead of voicing that, I ran away. 

The calls began getting less and less frequent because I knew I wouldn’t get a chance to talk only to Trini, which was a very POS move for me. I prioritized how I “felt” over being there for my daughter. Some like doing the very thing that I hate, which is not talking to Trini. 

Church Attendance Doesn’t Equal Change

I filled the space with worldly things, and here is the second lie: if I went to church, I was okay drinking, staying up late, not calling the kids, and doing my own thing. I would go to church on Sunday morning in body, but my spirit was not there. I was hungover most of the time, counting down the minutes to go hang out with the boys and drink. 

Church Attendance Doesn’t Equal Change

Third lie: As long as I love my child, I will do well. I would call, my demeanor would change when anyone else was on the call, and I would smile the moment Trini got on. Trini knew who I was, yet I felt like a complete stranger. So what did I do? I would run away some more. I kept repeating the cycle of doing the things I hated doing. I hated not calling and being angry, bitter, and resentful. 

New City, Same Luggage

By August 2020, I was finally able to move to San Diego. I didn’t just pack my stuff to move; I packed the anger, bitterness, resentment, and lies. I wasn’t happy. I believed that the only way to be happy was just having Trini and I. HOW FREAKING SELFISH!

Silence Wasn’t Kindness

Fourth lie: If I don’t say how I feel, I won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. It was just a vicious cycle where my actions demonstrated those emotions. My solution once more is to run away and suppress those emotions with alcohol. Spoiler: those emotions didn’t stay buried. They came out louder, messier, and without a filter.

Losing Myself

I believed so many lies that it was destroying me on the inside. I lost that kid I was. I became my dad, which was something I never wanted to become. I stopped going to church because I was more afraid of the reproach and comments from Ursula than what God thought about me. 

Let’s see. I believed some lies, ran away from my problems, and treated everyone else differently than Trini. Hmm. How was that not father-of-the-year material? I started to hate who I had become. I was fearful at times, angry, bitter, and you know the rest. I felt like I was failing as a father. 

Owning the Choices

It took me until the end of 2023 to see clearly and accept the situation I got myself into. No one else made those choices for me; I made them. It took me some time to finally open my eyes and see that I should treat people the way I want to be treated. Better yet, the way I want people to treat my 22q Warrior. And yet, I was causing the most damage by running away. By thinking that if it was just her and I, I would be happy. Again, how selfish. What about what Trini NEEDS? She loves her mother way too much! She has been there with her while I was running away, being selfish. 

God Calls Me By My Name

I was done running away, hating the person I became, and being afraid of what Ursula thought and her emotional responses. She would no longer use the things I did to define me. 

People know my name but choose to call me by my mistakes. God knows my mistakes, yet He CALLS ME BY MY NAME. He is the only one I should fear! 

Becoming Who I’m Meant to Be

I grabbed a pair, rebuked the lies, and added truth. I am called to be a child of God, to love people like I loved myself, and clearly, I was not loving myself. 

Today, I’m still working on becoming the father I’m called to be. I’m not [as] afraid of Ursula. I’m learning to raise my girls in a way that reflects God’s love and purpose. Facing my problems hurt — but losing myself hurt even more.

This journey isn’t about me anymore. It’s about showing my 22q Warrior that her father is the man God called him to be. And I’m answering that call — one honest step at a time.