Wrestling with Change, Returning to Purpose

I stopped writing for a while. I lost sight of what mattered when I was well.

In recent months, the end of my military career became a reality. And with that transition came more time, time I thought I’d use productively. But instead, I spent much of it in what I justified as my “comfort zone.” That comfort zone was really avoidance. Avoiding the hard stuff. Avoiding growth. Avoiding writing.

I let anxiety and the unknown take over.

Here’s what I mean: once I left active duty, I lost eligibility for Tricare ECHO. This program had been a lifeline for our family. It provided 12 hours a day of nursing care for Trini. These nurses were a vital support system. They helped with her bedtime routine, monitored her equipment, and gave us peace of mind.

Then it was gone. We applied through California Children’s Services, but were denied. And to make things more difficult, I don’t live under the same roof, so I couldn’t always be there to help. I worried constantly. Would Trini suffer without the nursing support? Was I doing enough?

At the same time, I felt spiritually unmoored. I bounced between non-denominational churches, questioned Catholicism, and asked myself where I truly belonged. The answer that kept surfacing was simple: Where have I experienced Jesus?

Still, I wrestled with the traditions of the Catholic Church. I saw them as rigid, even cult-like. I found myself judging others, assuming they were just going through the motions. But in doing so, I became the one going through motions. I let other people’s actions shape my faith and my view of God.

That’s not my place. My place is to love my neighbor as myself.

All of this, the anxiety, the spiritual disorientation, kept me from doing what I knew I needed to do: write. Continue what I started.

I launched this blog with a clear purpose: to share my story. To reach other dads, parents, or family members and let them know they’re not alone. And even if no one read it, I’d still have a place to record the journey, something to leave behind for Trini.

So why did I stop? Because I let distractions take over. I’d turn to YouTube during downtime, convincing myself I deserved a break. I told myself I was doing enough for my daughter.

But today, I was reminded: when I choose comfort, I might be missing blessings God wants to give me. Worse, I could be withholding a blessing from someone else, someone who needs to hear that they’re not alone. There’s a community of parents walking through similar struggles, many doing it silently, afraid of judgment for having a “different” child.

That kind of isolation can be dangerous. I know, because I’ve been there. And it gets lonely.

But it wasn’t all bad. Trini and I took a little trip to Chicago and spent time with family. I got to see my siblings and make some beautiful memories.

I’m still figuring things out, what it means to no longer wear the uniform, and how to navigate this new chapter. But God keeps reminding me to be salt of the earth, a light to the world. It’s not about the job title. It’s about being a steward to my neighbor.

God’s promises aren’t automatic. I have a choice: to walk with Him or try to do it on my own.

He says:

“I command you: be strong and steadfast! Do not fear or be dismayed, for the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

So I’m back. Maybe to connect with just one person. Maybe to leave something for Trini to read when she’s older and raising a family of her own.

Either way, I’m writing again.